Grieving Miscarriage with the Help of Buddhist Philosophy

The elation that comes with a positive pregnancy test when trying to conceive is often euphoric, followed closely by the joyful excitement that surrounds planning for a new baby. But for women who have experienced a miscarriage, this news often comes with a whisper (or truckload) of doubt and fear of another potential loss. According to the American Pregnancy Association, around 25% of pregnancies result in a miscarriage. With this high rate - 1 in 4 - one would suspect women are miscarrying everywhere and it would be more normalized, but most women often suffer in silence and it is not uncommon for women to feel shame on top of the grief that goes along with it.

There is no protocol for dealing with a miscarriage. There are no guidelines for grieving this loss. And in our culture, most women think of pregnancy as something they created and therefore a miscarriage is something then “lost”. It can elicit philosophical questions like “Is something wrong with me?” “Why me?” “Am I being punished?” “What did I do wrong?” “Can I carry to term?” “How can I prevent this next time?”. These questions, along with hormones dropping and trying to normalize again, can create intense emotional suffering. 

While I (Mary) was getting my degree for Chinese medicine, we learned of a different belief system regarding miscarriage that was rooted in the ancient Buddhist philosophy. They believed that the souls of our potential children hang out with the parents and wait for the right moment to “jump in” and activate a pregnancy. This was their explanation for the spark of life and why some cycles work and some don’t. If something goes wrong with the “vessel” or physical form of the fetus once a pregnancy is established, the soul jumps out and waits for another opportunity. I find this way of thinking a much kinder one that can offer some relief to my patients who are grieving a miscarriage, especially if she is open to other religious or philosophical systems.   

Thanks to science, we now know that the majority of miscarriages are due to genetic abnormalities in the embryo, meaning the fate of that fetus was determined at fertilization and would never turn into a healthy baby. A much smaller percentage of miscarriages can be prevented if a problem is detected with rarer issues such as an infection in the uterus or tubes, blood clotting or immune disorders, uterine abnormalities, or hormonal imbalances. But the majority of miscarriages cannot be controlled or prevented as they just weren’t the right egg or sperm. Many women blame themselves, creating unnecessary suffering, and it is our hope that with more awareness about miscarriage, this self-blame and suffering will be reduced.

Miscarriage is so common that most OB GYNs won’t do any additional testing until a woman has had 2-3 of them. However, by that point, the emotional rollercoaster for the potential parents can be quite intense. Patients often come to my clinic for acupuncture and Chinese herbs, both of which can offer emotional support, but may also help correct some of the mild abnormalities that are associated with miscarriage, such as hormone imbalances and mild clotting or immune issues. If a woman has already had several miscarriages though, I prefer to work collaboratively with a fertility or miscarriage specialist MD, supporting my patient with acupuncture, herbs (if appropriate and approved by her doctor) and dietary advice, while she undergoes testing and treatments directed by her Western MD. In some cases, In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with embryo biopsy is most helpful in controlling the chromosomal quality of the embryos that make it to the uterus. When combined with Acupuncture, IVF outcomes can be even better.

If you have recently had a miscarriage, know that support is available and you don’t have to face this grief and doubt alone. Most women who miscarry go on to have healthy subsequent pregnancies and there are many resources out there to support you in your journey. Find an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility or if you’ve had 3 or more miscarriages, talk to your OB GYN about seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist for additional testing and support.